Instead, I put flowers on her grave, ten years after she died. She was 36 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was six weeks away from her 40th birthday when she died from it. I stayed with my mother by her bedside the night before she died and did as my mother asked. I told her that it was okay for her to die; that we would take care of her children for her, that she should rest now. The next day she was transferred to the Hospice of the Western Reserve in Euclid and the doctors thought she would last a week or more longer. Because of that my mother and brother-in-law had gone home to Jane's house to shower and rest and so missed Jane's death.
I had gone home that morning when the doctor had come in and agreed to the hospice transfer. It was obvious that she had had another small stroke over night; her hand hung limp over the side of the bed and she was unresponsive to any one's touch. Bob had come back to the hospital and had brought some fruit from a basket someone had brought to his house. That night I was trying to cut up an overripe mango when my dad got the phone call from my mom that she was gone. My uncle, one of my dad's brothers, had come up from North Carolina and he drove us over to the east side of Cleveland once my brother and sister-in-law arrived from Sandusky. My sister Karen drove herself up from Kent.
It was a beautiful early September night. September 6th by the time we arrived. September 4th is my father's birthday and when Karen visited Jane on the 4th she told Jane who was unconscious at the time that she was NOT allowed to die on Dad's birthday. If she was going to die, she had to wait until the next day--and so she did.
The hospice is right on the shore of Lake Erie and her room was right on the beach. The window was open and you could hear the waves and the breeze. I thought it the most peaceful place I could imagine and I am glad that she could hear that as she went on to whatever there is after this place. I like to imagine that my grandmother with whom she had a special relationship came to get her and that they are together now somewhere without pain and sorrow and worry.
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When Jane fell into her final illness, she first went blind. The doctors thought that the cancer had spread to her brain and so they had immediately begun radiation treatments before doing all the other tests in an attempt to preempt any further damage by the spread of the cancer in the brain. However, that was not what was going on. Instead, the cancer was in her liver and was causing small blood clots which were traveling to her brain, one of which was in the optic nerve area and those the blindness. So not only did she lose her hair again from the radiation but they immediately put her on heparin (a blood thinner). Every time they then drew blood or took any type of tissue sample she bled all over. This all began in mid July and lasted until September 5th. In all the time, my mother and brother-in-law spent nearly everyday and night with her in the hospital, taking care of her because there were never enough nurses to do the job.
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When we got to the hospice, Bob and his parents and my mom were already there. We all stood around and talked. Some of us touched her. She was cool to the touch and very still. The room looked like a bedroom and the lights like bedside lamps so the light was the dim yellow 60-watt sort so she looked a lot like a wax figure to me. I remember her head wasn't on a pillow but her neck wasn't bent so her chin was down to her voice box, it was as if she was posed to look straight up but her eyes were closed.
I don't really know how long we stayed. I'm sure there were some nervous jokes and laughing. What the hell do you say in a situation like that? It's as though you're in an alternate universe where nothing makes any sense and time flows in odd swirls and eddies, jerks and stops that don't fit together later.
My uncle drove us home and I think it must have been sometime around 3 am when I finally got to bed. The next day was a Sunday and I remember it was a very bright and sunny day.
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When we were young, my parents and my sisters and I were very close to one of my father's uncles and aunts and their two daughters. One of the daughters lived with us for a year or so while her parents were building a house so she could go to our school and I just idolized her. Aunt Joyce used to babysit us and loved to have us brush her hair. Her younger daughter Sue is seven or eight years older than I am and she went from being someone who babysat us and who I just adored to someone I babysat for when she married and had her two children.
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That morning Aunt Joyce came over when she heard as did Sue. As is traditional when there is a death in the family, the first impulse is to bring or go get food. So Sue grabs me and piles me in her truck and drives me over to the Vermilion Farm Market. The Farm Market is a really good grocery store with a full meat counter and good vegetables. She gets me a cart and goes up and down the aisles pulling out loaves of rye bread and wheat, ordering sliced bologna and chopped ham, and checking out the tomatoes and lettuce.
Meanwhile, I am standing in the middle of the store in a daze, listening to the Rolling Stones sing "Paint It Black."
Have you ever listened to the lyrics:
"I see a red door and I want it painted black
no colors anymore I want them to turn black..."
"...No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you..."
"...Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin up when your whole world is black..."
I didn't cry then but I've cried every time since when I've heard that song. I don't think I cried then because I was still too shell shocked and it was just to surreal that it should be happening at that exact moment.
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So, for this moment at least, my world is painted black. I miss you horribly and wish you were here (another song that makes me cry every time dammit!) Love, Pinky
(This is one of the first pictures I have of myself as a baby as well as with my sister Jane. I think she is probably telling me a story or something of the sort although it looks as if she's going to ping me in the head!)
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